I have this terrible fear of being alone.

It's not really a fear, I just hate it. Maybe it's the fact that I spend so much time by myself, that I cherish every moment when I'm with company. 

It's funny, because I'm not extroverted at all. I do not get my energy from other people, and I find social gatherings quite draining by the end. And I most definitely am not a night owl, I really love my sleep. But if I am with a friend, I will gladly sacrifice any of these at every opportunity I get, because I just love being around people. Mainly just close friends. 

It's kind of bad, I will make people stay up till ridiculous hours of the morning to talk and hangout, and beg them not to go. And then regret it in the morning because I didn't get enough sleep, but at the same time love it because I got to spend more time with someone I love. 

Maybe it actually is a fear of being alone - I don't want people to leave me.  

Life is so up in the air right now, I have no idea what I'm doing.

But it's okay, God is good.

He is faithful, and he knows what he's doing. 

Also, I really love Christchurch. 

That's The Plan, Stan.

It's actually real. I'm actually finished school forever. I actually dropped out, even though no one thought I was serious about it. 

Truth is, I know exactly where I'm going and what I want to do. It's just that everyone else thinks I don't.

I don't really like telling people what I'm planning on doing, because dreams are precious and hope is easily squashed. You've got to be careful who you tell your dreams to, be wise about the people you entrust it with - they will either make or break you. 

A lot of people are just trying to be "realistic", "common sense" and your "voice of reason". But common sense never did anything great in the world. 

God did not tell me to drop out of school, no. Never. That was my decision. 

I'm sick of waiting, and I'm sick of being at school when my heart is not in it. It was not a rash decision to leave, it was a well thought out, well prayed about decision. Just because I'm not at school, does not mean I will stop learning. 

A lot of people ask me if it's scary. I would be lying if I said no. But that is only the tiniest part in me that is fearful. Mostly, I am at peace and am thrilled to be leaving because I know it is the right decision. It doesn't bother me that I won't have level 3. If I wanted to go to uni I could always do a bridging course, but if all goes to plan I will be 21 by the time I'm finished doing internship anyway.

For me, it's either go hard or go home. I'm in it to win it, or I'm not in it at all. 

God wants my life, and that's what I plan to do. 

Internship is not the only solution to that, but it is a good place to start. My heart is for women's ministry, and I can do that through internship. There is currently nothing at university that I want to study, and I don't want to waste money in doing something that I am only later going to change my mind about. Uni is not even on the cards at the moment, I just have no desire for it. I would rather study through the church and get the hands on experience as well as the qualification, all the whilst serving Jesus and building his church. 

For most people, ministry is kind of a back up plan. They have their career sorted out, in case it doesn't work out. For me, it has always been the other way around. I felt God speak to me about it at Conference 2010 or 11, and it's something that's been on my heart ever since. Maybe that's foolish, but I trust in God. That is my plan. However, if that happens not to work out for whatever reason, I will still love and serve Jesus all the same. If that doesn't work out I can always go to university and do fashion. 

In the end, God's will and not mine. So we'll see what happens. 

I know what the end goal is, I don't know how the journey there will pan out though - and that's okay. 

The plan is to change the world. 

Constant.

No matter how many times I am mocked, called a disgrace, or feel like a disappointment, I remind myself "There is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus". And it sets me free - every time. 

John 15:18-2018 “If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first.19 If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you.20 Remember what I told you: ‘A servant is not greater than his master.’[a] If they persecuted me, they will persecute you also. If they obeyed my teaching, they will obey yours also.

Romans 8:1 Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus,

He is my reward, Prince of Peace, Emmanuel, Yahweh, Jehovah, El Shaddai, my Rock, my kinsman redeemer, Lord of all.

He is enough for me. His love covers all.

17.

I feel it is only appropriate to talk about life, as my birthday is in two days.
I was given the gift of life almost 17 years ago, and so often I take it for granted rather than treasure it.
The fact that I am alive and breathing is praise worthy on its own, but I am so fortunate - I have a roof over my head, food on the table for every meal, a bed to sleep in and clothes to wear. I'm blessed beyond compare.
Life is a race, it is short. We need to run it with purpose, and cast off all distractions that can hinder us or sway us from achieving that purpose.


The encouraging thing about life, is that we're not doing it alone.

Even in the loneliest of moments, when we think we're overlooked or forgotten, God still sees us.

He still waits for us to come running to Him, to take His hand and run the race with Him. 

Imagine how it must feel to create a being that you love so much that you would send your only son to die for, to create a being so they could worship you alone and be in relationship with you. And everyday you wait in hope that maybe they would just acknowledge you, if not talk to you and do life with you, but to no avail. Despite the fact that you gave them life, they are too busy to spend time with you and to thank you. 

I am so sorry Jesus. 

The amount of times where I have woken up or gone about my day caught up in the 'busyness' of life, where I have forgot to spend time with Him, is disgusting. When in all reality, nothing else matters. He saved me and gave me life, I owe Him my life - the least I could do is acknowledge Him. And it's so simple too, yet so many of us do it.

I would rather spend one day in His courts, one moment in His presence, than a thousand days elsewhere. 

Nothing else matters. 

The smartest thing I could do with my life, would be to focus it completely on Him. 

Spend every moment with Him, do everything for Him, find myself in Him.

Thankyou Jesus for giving me life.
I am blessed. You are enough for me.

Yes, this is one of those posts.

If my life is an arrow that points solely to Jesus, then I'm doing my job. 

If I'm living in such a way that everything I do is to glorify Christ, then I am running my race well. 

If my actions only manifest the love and grace of God, then I am living right.

// All I want is to be like you.

Conf.

Your mountain top moment.
Don't miss it, be prepared.

Perfect Love.

per·fect

Without fault or defect. Lacking nothing essential to the whole; Complete of it's nature or kind. Satisfying all requirements.

He loves us wholly, completely, and perfectly. 

Controversial.

This is probably going to be quite a controversial post, but probably something that needs to be said.

I think too many Christians now days don't tend to have opinions
on controversial issues such as gay marriage/homosexuality, and abortion.
I think it comes down to two reasons mainly, 1) They don't want to "offend" anyone,
or 2) They don't haven't strong enough convictions,
haven't researched and lined up their ideas and values with God's word,
and simply don't have adequate answers when questions are fired at them.

It is so important that we have convictions about what we believe
and answers to back up those convictions. Because questions will come,
especially with the passing of the marriage equality bill - either from
people who are just curious about what we, as Christians, believe,
or those who are plain just trying to create an argument. Either way,
they will come, and we must be prepared.

Not to argue, that's not at all going to show the love of God.
But actually to show strongly what we believe in and what our God is about,
 rather than not having answers or an opinion, and just looking like
another person following the wind and being trampled over.
We have to know what we're talking about, and why we believe what we do.

We are representing God, and we need to do it well.

I was having a good chat about this with some people last night
because somehow we got on to the topic of abortion,
and she recommended we watch this video called 180, by a New Zealand
evangelist living in America, called Ray Comfort.
Seriously the video is incredible, no matter what your opinion on the matter
 it is a must watch. It is about 30mins long,
but seriously I recommend you take the time out to watch it,
it's so worth it:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7y2KsU_dhwI

author& perfecter.

When people aren't living for Jesus and take their life back into their own hands, and assume the position of author.

Hypothetically speaking, our life is a novel.

I don't know about you, but I definitely don't want to be in control of writing my own story.

I am not capable, I do not know everything, I do not have the best view for my own life, and I don't know what is going to happen in the future.

I never want to become responsible for writing my own story, because when you write in ink you cant erase it. And when I am in control, I am bound to make mistakes a million times over. 

When Jesus is in control, I know he will never make a mistake with my life. He simply can't.

And I pray I would never take my life back into my own hands.

To know that the one who created the world and the stars cares for my heart, and holds my life in the palm of the hand, is so reassuring.

His peace transcends all understanding and his love fills my heart.

He is my portion and he is enough for me, he is all I need.

melancholy.

You know what, sometimes life actually just sucks.

It's not always going to head in the direction you want it to,

and things aren't always going to swing your way.

It's not going to be 100% all of time, despite how much we want it to.

And that's okay. We're all human, it happens to the best of us.

It's a matter of learning what to do/how to deal with the down time.

Many times in my short life I've been caught off guard by 

disappointment, rejection, fear, pride, unforgiveness, hopelessness, etc.

All of which can cause a lot of heartache if you don't take them captive

before they form strongholds.

But I think in every season, you've just got to trust in God for better.

That he has everything under control and that 

his plan is currently in the process of being outworked in your life.

Always always repent of taking your life back into your hands

and give it back to God, 

and always always guard your heart, 

otherwise it will get broken, I promise you.

God is always good and ever faithful, 

of this one thing I am sure.

Lover of the light.

So often I fall short of God's grace, yet he still gives it to me anyway.
It's actually bewildering how good He is.

How he knows the innermost parts of my being.
Every thought, every emotion, every motive and word spoken.
Every hurt, every pain, every high, every low.
Every hormone infused rampage or breakdown.
He still loves me anyway, even when there's no good reason.

It's incomprehensible.



I'm glad that he knows what he's doing, because I sure don't.
Jesus take the wheel. Take the whole flipping car.

He is good

-

Always

-

Fullstop

Welcome.

 Kia Ora, 2013.
You are welcomed with out-stretched arms.

-

Feels like a good year already.

-

Goodbye 2012.
That feels weird to say.

-
It sounds cliche to say this,

but it actually feels like it was only yesterday that I was writing about what a hard year 2011 was and that I was looking forward to 2012.

And rightly so, 2012 was great. It went incredibly fast and most of the time I felt like I was in limbo,
but all up it was a fantastic year.

-

If there's one thing that has challenged me this year,

more than previous ones,
it would probably be the concept of time.
-
It knows no halt, no limit, or end.
There is no finish to time,
no stop button, or way to pause it in just the slightest.
You cannot rewind it or fast forward it, you are stuck
right where you are, in this vast expanse of collective moments that we call time.

-

It keeps going, and there is not one possible thing we could do to change that fact.
Moments, memories, months, and years pass.
We learn, we mature, we grow, we change - through time.
But time itself does not. It is constant.
It changes us, but we cannot change it.

-

We are simply forced to just keep going.
There's not a lot else we can do,
and frankly, there's not a lot else I would want to do.
-
However, because of all that,
I'm am so honoured that I serve the maker and author of time.
The only one who can control it, the one who lives outside of it.
The one who's timing is perfect.
The timeless, limitless God. 

-
He's such a wonderfully intricate craftman.
Detailed and genius beyond what I can even dare to fathom.
So awed that He is for me.

-

Bring it on.